The challenge for this week is to talk about personal loss. This brings up many confusing feelings as a counselor. The world has changed considerably since my formal training where we were taught to be blank slates and not give away information about ourselves. A few years ago, setting up my private practice I realized how much this has changed and being present and fully me is now the expectation. This has been a difficult shift so providing my story of recovery will be a big stretch.

I feel most comfortable offering up my divorce recovery story. I was married at the age of 16 and gave birth to my amazing son at the age of 17. I tell the story of how we were in love, young and neither had any idea how to be married. We both believed things would work out happily ever after. Thirteen months after the birth of my son I had my first strong-willed beautiful daughter. Two years after that we had our third child a sweet daughter. Three months after that we separated for the first time and fifteen months after that he left for the last time.

I am often asked how I listen to stories of sadness or other problems each day, my response is, ‘I love to see how resilient we are as human beings,’. I am always amazed at how our brains and bodies find ways to cope and overcome the challenges we face. Even though, these coping patterns may be unsustainable over time they kept us alive and moving. There is strength and room for celebration in this.

I want to start out by clearly stating there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of someone you love. The 5 stages of grief and loss we have held onto as a society since 1969 has been shown through multiple studies to be inaccurate. We don’t go through stages in a linear pattern coming to a place of peace and acceptance evermore. Grief is a much messier and individualized process. So again, I state there is NOT a wrong way to grieve.

So how do we provide ourselves compassion during loss? I am going to utilize the three pillars of self-compassion framework from Kristin Neff - mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness to answer this question.

A discussion on Medical Trauma. What is it? and How can we protect ourselves from it?

Medical trauma is defined as a set of psychological and physiological responses to pain, injury, serious illness, medical procedures, and frightening treatment experiences. I have experienced several instances of medical trauma with my earliest experience being at the age of 4. This is a topic which continues to bring up strong emotions for me. In researching and thinking about medical trauma I came across words and ideas about medical heroes and the power we give heroes in society. I have also read multiple articles on doctors’ feelings of being invincible and how they identify their status in society which impacts their client care whether intentional or not. Yet, I found it difficult to find any information on the empowerment of patients.

I challenge each of you to reach out in person and make a connection, have a conversation, give a hug, be seen, be heard, and hear and see others. “We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering.” Brené Brown.

How to create conversations free from shame. Regardless of whether the conversation we are talking about is with ourselves or someone else here are some rules I hold to for creating safety.

In a recent session an item was spilled and instantly I saw panic, worry, shame and then resolution cross a little face. I replied, “it’s OK”, the reply back was, “it is always ok… in here.” The comment really caught me off guard. I really started to think about safety from shame in relationships and how shame impacts relationships. I wondered about how we create safer relationships as parents, friends, siblings, children, neighbors, and co-workers.

There is a house I drive by each morning with 2 rocking chairs on the front porch. I first noticed the chairs because they were tipped over every time I drove by in the winter months. I remember thinking how smart to tip them instead of allowing them to become snowed on. As spring sprung I noticed each day one of the chairs would be tipped up and the other still down. As the months and seasons have continued to progress I have found myself looking each morning hoping to see the second chair tipped up and both chairs looking as if they had been enjoyed together. After almost a year of watching and hoping I am still found lacking and wanting.

Wellness, to us means you are not merely free of illness or surviving. Wellness means you are thriving, progressing and making choices minute by minute that propel you towards your overall life goals of thriving and basking in the sunshine of peace and joy.

Spiritual wellness is about seeking meaning and purpose in your life while also allowing you to appreciate, find meaning and harmony in your life experiences.

Wellness of the body is to engage in activities that maintain the machine and help it be strong.

We often look at transitions as a time of dread, fear and anxiety. In doing a Google search for transitions a plethora of “how to” articles about coping and scheduling came up. We would propose a different list of coping skills based on a different outlook of transitions. Other cultures past and present meet transitions such as the changing of the seasons with celebration, song, joy and a sense of wonder and excitement. I would propose these individuals, families, cultures and and societies overall experience less anxiety and depression because transition is a part of everyday life. So in response to that our list of coping is how to meet transitions with a positive sense of excitement and wonder.